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Dissociated Today

I’m dissociated today. My mind has been shutting down since I woke up this morning. The feeling is leaving me with that same painful flavor it always does: deep-seated anxiety mixed with leaden eyelids and the overwhelming sensation that my energy is draining out through the floor. I can feel it intensifying every few seconds.

Once again, I have no idea why this is happening. Lots of thoughts are making me feel anxious right now, but I doubt that was the initial cause of the problem. I think my dissociated state is making me respond badly to everything that goes through my head, not the other way around.

I was supposed to have a physical at the hospital today. The doctor was able to fit me in at the last minute, but now I have to cancel. The dissociation isn’t disabling at this exact moment, but I understand its inevitable course. It will continue to ramp up until I have to sleep because my muscles are liquid and the exhausted tingling in my skin demands all my attention. I can’t drive in this state. I can hardly move at all.

Dissociating in public is one of my greatest fears, because I know it’s going to happen eventually, but I never know when. I thought I had isolated these obnoxious tired spells to certain triggering incidents, like being in stressful situations where other people are counting on me to be responsible. But today, the anxiety struck me out of nowhere, and no one else was even around. I’m wondering if it isn’t getting worse, if maybe it’s going to start occurring more often and limiting the number of places where I’m able to safely go.

I think dissociation is near the root of my fear of leaving the house. I used to date a person who insisted we spend lots of time on the mall, where there are people everywhere. I got triggered often, and it was always at least a ten minute drive to the nearest accessible place to lie down, which was usually my apartment. He couldn’t drive for medical reasons, which meant it was always my responsibility to get us home, and it was everything I could do to stay awake behind the wheel, which is terrifying. For me, dissociating is like passing out gradually, or a slow narcoleptic sleep. Driving dissociated is worse than driving drunk, and I do everything in my power to avoid it.

Once we got home, I would sleep for three hours, which always ruined our evening plans and upset him. So a fun day of being out on the town turned into a painful full-body shutdown, hours wasted, and a pissy boyfriend, who only insisted we do it all again the next day.

I’ll have to reschedule my physical for tomorrow, and just hope this doesn’t happen again.

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