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Hail to the Celebrity Crush, Baby

Boyfriends are fine, I guess. But, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, I’ve compiled ten reasons why celebrity crushes are better.

1. The famous person can’t hurt you.

A one-way celebrity crush is a something that no one can terminate but you. There are no surprises, no breakups, and no heartache. That means that not only can your crush never leave you, they also can’t talk badly about you or cheat on you.

2. You can rewind and pause them.

The touch of a button freezes your crush’s beautiful smile on your screen. You get to preserve their perfect moments forever without interfering with their lives.

3. You can have a celebrity crush and a real relationship at the same time.

Hopefully.

4. They never age (if you don’t want them to).

I’ve had the dumb luck to consistently fall for famous people who have aged spectacularly well, but sadly, some good-looking young stars don’t grow up to be so good-looking. In that case, just focus on the work that launched them into stardom all those years ago. Or just do what I do and only go for people who’re already over 50.

Haha.

But seriously.

5. You can have as many celebrity crushes as you want.

If you’re so inclined, you can admire a new famous person every day. In fact, you could fall for a hundred celebrities at once and it would be fine.

6. They come and go without consequence.

Even if you’re totally head over heels for a well-known personality, you’re not actually committed to them. That means no regrets, no resentment, and no anger. Whether you get over them or fall for someone else, you can easily just move on to the next innocent infatuation. 

7. You can pick and choose what you admire about them.

Burying your discomfort with your real partner is a sure way to end a relationship, but with celebrities it makes no difference. Choose to ignore the parts of the famous person you don’t like and just focus on the aspects about them that you admire.

8. There are so many celebrities to choose from.

No matter what you’re into, there is a famous person out there just for you. Any body type or personality is available for you to crush on. Make a mental stockpile of the people you find most physically and spiritually attractive. You’ll never be lonely again, kind of.

9. You can make friends with other fans.

If your heart reaches out to a particular famous person, someone else’s heart has done the same thing. Look online and you’re bound to find a community of fellow admirers who love many of the same things you do about your celebrity crush. It’s a great way to make friends. This is probably the only point I’ve made so far that you should take seriously.

10. Your celebrity crush is scripted to be the perfect person.

A celebrity has time to prepare the face they show to the world. They have an arsenal of funny stories that they’re ready to tell in interviews, and they’ve perfected the answers to the questions they get most frequently on panels and podcasts.

Now that you know what you’re missing, it’s time to find someone whose headshot you’d make your phone background. Not sure how to get started? Go watch Ash Vs. Evil Dead.

Haha.

But seriously.

Groovy.

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